It's a hard thing to do.
To look in the mirror at yourself and not be comfortable with who you are.
Who is this person? Where did the old Ivy go? Where am I at?
Those have been questions that have haunted me in the past. Questions that I could not easily answer by myself or about myself. I was stuck in a rut with myself trying to figure out where I am and what kind of woman I was coming to be, and the sad cold truth was....I was becoming a very insecure person and it was starting to affect all aspects of my life.
Not only did it affect my relationships with family and friends, where they noticed differences in me but also my own well being and my marriage. The once strong and will powered Ivy, was now a shadow of her former self who was disgusted and pretty much revolted by myself. I ate my feelings and gained weight and that in turn made me self conscious when I was naked in front of my husband and made our sex life stagnant and my attitude shitty. I questioned why he wanted to be with me, did he think I was beautiful, did he think he could do better than me. I constantly needed reaffirmations that I was good enough and let me tell you, it was exhausting.
Not only emotionally for myself, but for Bryan who constantly felt like he was having to prove himself and me to me. Does that make sense? I needed his constant approval on things. Stupid things. Petty things. Things that I could easily choose and should have chosen for myself but felt so insecure and incapable that I didn't feel like I could handle making any decisions on my own. It was a horrible time. I don't know how I fell so fast but I really started hating myself and knew I was going to lose my self completely if I didn't get my shit together, and soon.
That was a breaking point in me and Bryan's relationship.
In the past where I talked about those 'less thank sparkly' times.
These were it.
These were the days that I felt like shit. Where I would cry at the drop of a dime. Where I really feared for the future of my marriage and honestly my sanity.
Bry laid it out on the table. He missed the old Ivy. He missed the sassy mouthed, straight talking, carefree, confident woman he met and fell in love with. He missed the girl who was able to make a decision, stick to it, and not make any apologies for it. And I missed her too. I didn't want to be the jealous wife, depressed daughter, silent sister and all the other negative connotations that came along with this crappy 'new' me.
And with my heart and health on the line.
I knew I needed to make a change before I lost myself, my husband, and my relationships with the people I love. This is not easy to share, as taking a hard look at yourself and not liking it, is not something anyone wants to do but it's needed.
I need to grow. I need to choose happiness. I need to get my ass in gear and stop making excuses and living in fear. I need to learn how to be me again.
Albeit, hopefully a much better and improved one.
Do you struggle with insecurity? How do you deal?