It's a hard thing to do.
To look in the mirror at yourself and not be comfortable with who you are.
Who is this person? Where did the old Ivy go? Where am I at?
Those have been questions that have haunted me in the past. Questions that I could not easily answer by myself or about myself. I was stuck in a rut with myself trying to figure out where I am and what kind of woman I was coming to be, and the sad cold truth was....I was becoming a very insecure person and it was starting to affect all aspects of my life.
Not only did it affect my relationships with family and friends, where they noticed differences in me but also my own well being and my marriage. The once strong and will powered Ivy, was now a shadow of her former self who was disgusted and pretty much revolted by myself. I ate my feelings and gained weight and that in turn made me self conscious when I was naked in front of my husband and made our sex life stagnant and my attitude shitty. I questioned why he wanted to be with me, did he think I was beautiful, did he think he could do better than me. I constantly needed reaffirmations that I was good enough and let me tell you, it was exhausting.
Not only emotionally for myself, but for Bryan who constantly felt like he was having to prove himself and me to me. Does that make sense? I needed his constant approval on things. Stupid things. Petty things. Things that I could easily choose and should have chosen for myself but felt so insecure and incapable that I didn't feel like I could handle making any decisions on my own. It was a horrible time. I don't know how I fell so fast but I really started hating myself and knew I was going to lose my self completely if I didn't get my shit together, and soon.
That was a breaking point in me and Bryan's relationship.
In the past where I talked about those 'less thank sparkly' times.
These were it.
These were the days that I felt like shit. Where I would cry at the drop of a dime. Where I really feared for the future of my marriage and honestly my sanity.
Bry laid it out on the table. He missed the old Ivy. He missed the sassy mouthed, straight talking, carefree, confident woman he met and fell in love with. He missed the girl who was able to make a decision, stick to it, and not make any apologies for it. And I missed her too. I didn't want to be the jealous wife, depressed daughter, silent sister and all the other negative connotations that came along with this crappy 'new' me.
And with my heart and health on the line.
I knew I needed to make a change before I lost myself, my husband, and my relationships with the people I love. This is not easy to share, as taking a hard look at yourself and not liking it, is not something anyone wants to do but it's needed.
I need to grow. I need to choose happiness. I need to get my ass in gear and stop making excuses and living in fear. I need to learn how to be me again.
Albeit, hopefully a much better and improved one.
***
Do you struggle with insecurity? How do you deal?
22 comments:
Everyone struggles with insecurity at times-- I definitely have, and do! I'm not sure if you've ever tried therapy-- but I did it during some of the tough times in my life and it REALLY helped to have an outside perspective. Might be worth a shot!
I struggled with a lot of these things, too - right after I had Connor. Call it a funk, call it post-partum depression, call it whatever you want. IT SUCKED. Honestly, the BEST thing I did for myself was to finally tell my husband how I was feeling (I hid it, for a long time) and then take a bit of time for myself. I don't care if that time came in the form of an hour-long shower (I LOVE long showers and got ZERO after having a baby) or a mani/pedi with my BFF or 10 minutes to sit in my driveway and twiddle my thumbs ALONE. I NEEDED that alone time. My marriage needed that alone time. My family needed that alone time.
Obviously, I don't know what the answer is for you. But know that you aren't alone - I've been there - you WILL get through this, you WILL figure it out. It might take some time to work it out, but you can do it. Keep on trucking!
PS - I love that your hubby loves that you are sassy and confident - that says a lot about your all's relationship - so awesome! :)
I find myself slumping into the same thing. I've learned to catch myself... I've learned that when that FIRST negative thought goes through my head that I need to reevaluate what I am doing in my spare time, who I am hanging out with, my attitude toward work and life in general, etc. And then I talk to my husband about it... I lay it on the table and he just listens--just getting it out and telling him how I feel (even if it's the most ridiculous thing on the planet, which is usually the case) makes it better, then we hug and all is well :) You're not alone in your journey!
what a very brave post. i cannot imagine a single person who isnt insecure about something. but, like you, we make the decision to recognize it and improve! exercise is my go-to dealing technique :)
Awwww..... I love the sassy mouthed, straight talking, carefree, confident Ivy, too. Bry's right, she is pretty awesome. More than once, I've wished I could be more like her.
I can be super insecure. Especially when it comes to men (Daddy issues, fears of rejection, and all that crap).
Chin up, Buttercup! We are both awesome and we are going to take 2013 to prove it to ourselves!
wow, what a post. i know it must have been a little hard to click the publish button but i am so glad you did.
it is amazing how therapeutic it is when you just lay it all out.
i have felt insecurity. it is the nature of human beings. to always think we are not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc.
i've just come to this place in life where i've just decided that it is up to me. it is up to me to decide how i feel, how i choose to feel. no one controls that.
it wasn't easy getting to that point but i'm getting there. doesn't mean that i don't have my bad days when i really feel that i'm not at the point i need to be but those feelings aren't as regular anymore.
i think you are at the right place. you have admitted it and that is only going to get you to a place where the insecurity no longer plays a major role in your life.
xoxo.
I think we've all been there. I've definitely found myself wondering why my husband was thinking when he chose me. Then I'm reminded that he didn't choose me. We were created for each other by our Creator.
You need to look in the mirror and see the Ivy that Bryan sees. She's hot stuff!
You can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. It's so true and I never truly understood that myself until I started dating Mj. When you don't love yourself it manifests itself in certain ways that make it hard on you and anyone that you are in a relationship with. Hope you find the old Ivy soon. I'm sure she's in there just waiting to come back.
Love this post. And I'm giving you a virtual "good game" slap on the ass right now for being so open and honest. I think every woman struggles with these things. Just make time for yourself to relax and get back to the wonderful woman you are!
xoxo
i feel insecure at times too... its also hard within the blog world!! i cant even count how many times i've said, "damn, i need to work harder at my photography," or "UGH this person's life is perrrrfect..." etc.
life doesn't have to suck. it's hard!!
xoxo friend!
I have been there and struggled with the exact same things at times! I still do!!! Honestly, I think a lot of it is part of growing up. I go up and down as the years pass. In my 20's I was insecure. When I turned 30 it was like a light switch was flipped and I started to know who I am, what I want. But now that I'm 32,some of the same old feelings come up. I feel like who I am on the outside doesn't match up with who I am on the inside. Some days I'm ok with myself and then I also have what I call "ugly days" - where I just hate on everything about myself. Just know that you aren't alone and you've already won the first part of the battle! I'm sure I speak for all your lovely readers when I say we are all here for you! =)
I feel like I could have written this post. Yes, I deal with insecurity on a daily basis. I feel like I hide it well, but my poor husband, who I adore more than anything in the world, usually gets to see the "real" me. And how do you (and I) get the old "me" back? Good question. If you find out before I do, let me know. Until then, be strong. I know I'm the pot in this conversation, but I see so much strength in you. Good luck finding that confidence. Then, you will truly shine.
I don't think I have ever related to a post more. I have always struggled with insecurity. I don't know how or why. Sometimes I feel freaking awesome and powerful and strong and other times I hate myself and am that person who needs the constant affirmations thrown my way.
It's hard to get yourself together when you live with your hubs/bf/significant other too. You don't get much time to self reflect and do the necessary things to keep yourself in check.
For the past couple months I have felt everything you are describing. And I hated it. I feel like just now I am getting back to my confident, centered self. And it hasn't been easy.
I've been dealing with it by journaling, taking time away from Joe to relax.. alone and treat myself. Pedicures, date nights with my girls, reading, self help books.., working out. It's all helped a lot. How are you dealin?
We really are soul sisters! Move to Washington!
I feel you, I really do. I don't even think it's always insecure, it can be something different. My problems are more related to anger and negativity, but I read this and I get you. I wish you the best in this all, and I think it's brave to put yourself out there. And you get the support of an awesome community I see scrolling through the comments! It's great to have that. You're an awesome person and I have enjoyed reading your comments on my blog and getting to 'know you' so to speak through the bloggging realm.
First, I want to tell you that I LOVE you and second, I want to tell you I totally get where you're coming from!! And third, don't worry you will figure it all out and you'll be the old Ivy before you know it!
Girl, Preach! I'm struggling with the same things as you and it's not easy. I question every aspect of my life... where I'm at professionally, financially, spiritually, emotionally and especially physically. I know I need to make changes and I'm working on them... slowly, but still working on them. I wish I could press a reset button and start over fresh, but life doesn't work that way. I'm just glad that I have friends, family and a husband that sees the best of me even when I can't recognize it. Let me know if you ever want to chat/email/text... maybe you and I can be each other's support group. Because sometimes it's great to have someone to talk to who can understand and help bring a different perspective too! Hang in there... You're fabulous... you just have to remember that!
I am so proud that you put yourself out there. I have dealt with this for quite some time in many different ways (reading, exercise, alone time, medication...) I'm thinking about you. And sending you lots of big {hugs} your way! :)
Every single day. I struggle with am I doing enough, am I good enough for Mr. Sergeant, am I doing a good job as a mom, what am I doing with my life. Shouldn't I be better now, I should right?
It's exhausting. I don't have a magic solution to make it all disappear, I write. I try to get it out of me by using a pen and paper. I write until I can't write anymore, because if I didn't I would break. I would be useless to everyone and I can't be useless. I have a husband and children that need me to be in good shape. So I write and I try to smile through the pain. I try to get through each day knowing that the present day is better than the last and I am enough. I am woman enough, I'm me. I can't be anyone else, I can just try to be the best version of myself even if I sometimes think that version sucks.
Thank you for writing this, I've been struggling with this the past few days and it feels good to know that I'm not alone.
Lots of love,
Lori
Every single day. I struggle with am I doing enough, am I good enough for Mr. Sergeant, am I doing a good job as a mom, what am I doing with my life. Shouldn't I be better now, I should right?
It's exhausting. I don't have a magic solution to make it all disappear, I write. I try to get it out of me by using a pen and paper. I write until I can't write anymore, because if I didn't I would break. I would be useless to everyone and I can't be useless. I have a husband and children that need me to be in good shape. So I write and I try to smile through the pain. I try to get through each day knowing that the present day is better than the last and I am enough. I am woman enough, I'm me. I can't be anyone else, I can just try to be the best version of myself even if I sometimes think that version sucks.
Thank you for writing this, I've been struggling with this the past few days and it feels good to know that I'm not alone.
Lots of love,
Lori
Oh the funks of life, I think we have ALL been there. Glad you recognized what you want to change and are doing what you can to be a better you!
Best of luck, chickie!
Do I struggle with insecurity? Only every second of every day. I love you lady. We should call each other when we are in a funk. I was desperate to talk to someone last night even though I probably couldn't have talked much through my tears.
1) This is the first chance I've gotten to see the new blog look. I LOVE IT. You've gotten better, and your hard work definitely shows.
2) I'm sorry you've gone through the insecurities, but I honestly believe that every marriage needs it to happen. You figure out where the boundaries are, discover how to talk about the more important things, decide whether or not you can live with being unhappy or if you need to discuss change. I'm proud of your husband for having the courage to say something to you, and force you to look outside of yourself at how you're affecting others. It's sooooo hard, but it needed to happen! And I'm even more proud of the fact that you are willing to make the necessary changes to keep the people you love around, and also to make the changes in order to be happy. Way to go, girlie!!!
I have tons of insecurities, and thankfully my husband did the same thing at one point and sat me down to tell me what would happen if I didn't fix things. It worked, and I love myself [and him!] better for it.
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